Human Drama

“I am tired of the Earth, its people. I'm tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives.”
--Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen)

It is 2:25pm. I am sitting on my couch in uncomfortable jeans, a collared shirt, and neon purple lipstick. I am about to get my purse ready, and put on my bright purple shoes. I have only been awake for two and a half hours, and already I wish I was back in bed.
Human drama.
I am leaving the country in a few days, and even though I do not want to go, right now I would give anything to be either driving to Toronto, or in our hotel room, or even on the plane to Florida, or perhaps even there. Even though I don’t want to go, there is no drama there. It is all planned out. We know what we are doing. We are relaxed and calm.
I leave for a movie with my boyfriend soon. I am going very early so I can wait alone. Terrible, guilty thoughts are running through my head. I cannot stop them.
I want to be alone, like Dr. Manhattan going away to Mars. I am tired of the tangle of my life.

I can hear you all asking, why is this in my Book of Shadows?
This energy, this guilt and shame and fear is affecting me on a spiritual level. My third eye chakra is blocked today, as it was yesterday. I had a hard time doing a simple tarot reading for a friend, all because I want to be alone. This...negativity is making me crazy. This is real negativity, not the playful negativity I have when expressing me disinterest in going to Disney, for example. This is genuine, “I’m feeling depressed, leave me alone” negativity that affects you in everything.
I know that everything will be fine. In fact, I enjoy spending time with my boyfriend. I know that when we hang out, I’ll be laughing and happy, but until then, I feel so negative. So blocked off from the world around me.
It is like I am going through the motions with no real feeling.

I am entirely apathetic.

It is now 2:38pm. I am on the verge of tears, but the makeup I am wearing is helping me remember I cannot cry. Half of me wishes I had cancelled this date. The other half wishes I felt more excited that I do.
I am confused.

It is moments like this when I am happy to have an escape: a dream world in which things go my way, and everyone knows how I feel. I am half inside that world today; and not afraid to admit it. I am glad to have figments of my imagination to talk to, to distract me.
It makes me feel crazy, and yet, when I go without it, I feel just as crazy.
I think I need this escape sometimes.

It is 2:40. My negative energy is beginning to affect everything. Every living thing in the house is just as unresponsive as I am.
Tonight, I think I will do a smudging. Bathe myself in the smoke of sage, listening to Ninna Nanna, and trying to feel better than I do.
In retrospect, I should have done that last night.

It is 2:42. My shoes are on. I’m about to leave.
I feel terrible.


Edit:
It is 8:40pm. I am still apathetic. I had a good time, but still want to be alone. My boyfriend is here, but he will be leaving soon, because I need to be alone. I need to take care of myself. Right now, what I need is to meditate, and I need to do it alone.