Losing Touch

What do you do to recharge and re-energize? How do you get back in touch with yourself after being so caught up in the mundane of every-day life, work and bills?
Also, I'm curious how you recognize that you've lost touch. Is there some sort of signal, some sign that you notice, that tells you it's time to take a break?
--Pagan Blog Prompts

Because I’m still working on processing my books, I can really tell when I’m drained. When I’m really in-touch with what I’m doing, I’m literally on a roll. I can finish huge books in a day or two. But when I’m really drained, I work at a snail’s pace and end up doing almost nothing.

I usually push through it, or negotiate with myself. Right now, I should be working on processing, but I’m typing up this blog post, so I’m not doing something totally pointless. Sometimes I just give up, but that’s usually for things that are less important. When I feel out of touch, I usually get really upset with myself, because I feel bad for not doing anything.

If I really need to recharge, I usually just do whatever I want. I ignore what I “have” to do, and focus on what I “want” to do. And if what I “want” to do is read comments on FSTDT, then I do it. Eventually, what I want to do will become what I need to do, and the cycle repeats.

Human Drama

“I am tired of the Earth, its people. I'm tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives.”
--Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen)

It is 2:25pm. I am sitting on my couch in uncomfortable jeans, a collared shirt, and neon purple lipstick. I am about to get my purse ready, and put on my bright purple shoes. I have only been awake for two and a half hours, and already I wish I was back in bed.
Human drama.
I am leaving the country in a few days, and even though I do not want to go, right now I would give anything to be either driving to Toronto, or in our hotel room, or even on the plane to Florida, or perhaps even there. Even though I don’t want to go, there is no drama there. It is all planned out. We know what we are doing. We are relaxed and calm.
I leave for a movie with my boyfriend soon. I am going very early so I can wait alone. Terrible, guilty thoughts are running through my head. I cannot stop them.
I want to be alone, like Dr. Manhattan going away to Mars. I am tired of the tangle of my life.

I can hear you all asking, why is this in my Book of Shadows?
This energy, this guilt and shame and fear is affecting me on a spiritual level. My third eye chakra is blocked today, as it was yesterday. I had a hard time doing a simple tarot reading for a friend, all because I want to be alone. This...negativity is making me crazy. This is real negativity, not the playful negativity I have when expressing me disinterest in going to Disney, for example. This is genuine, “I’m feeling depressed, leave me alone” negativity that affects you in everything.
I know that everything will be fine. In fact, I enjoy spending time with my boyfriend. I know that when we hang out, I’ll be laughing and happy, but until then, I feel so negative. So blocked off from the world around me.
It is like I am going through the motions with no real feeling.

I am entirely apathetic.

It is now 2:38pm. I am on the verge of tears, but the makeup I am wearing is helping me remember I cannot cry. Half of me wishes I had cancelled this date. The other half wishes I felt more excited that I do.
I am confused.

It is moments like this when I am happy to have an escape: a dream world in which things go my way, and everyone knows how I feel. I am half inside that world today; and not afraid to admit it. I am glad to have figments of my imagination to talk to, to distract me.
It makes me feel crazy, and yet, when I go without it, I feel just as crazy.
I think I need this escape sometimes.

It is 2:40. My negative energy is beginning to affect everything. Every living thing in the house is just as unresponsive as I am.
Tonight, I think I will do a smudging. Bathe myself in the smoke of sage, listening to Ninna Nanna, and trying to feel better than I do.
In retrospect, I should have done that last night.

It is 2:42. My shoes are on. I’m about to leave.
I feel terrible.


Edit:
It is 8:40pm. I am still apathetic. I had a good time, but still want to be alone. My boyfriend is here, but he will be leaving soon, because I need to be alone. I need to take care of myself. Right now, what I need is to meditate, and I need to do it alone.

Dream Catchers

Is there a rule that states dream catchers can only be used for dreams?
I have a theory.
I don’t think that dream catchers can only be used for dreams.

So, I started making a dream catcher. Recently, I’ve had some issues with energies in my room. I’ve tried everything to balance the room again, but it’s not helping much. So, I thought that I would try a dream catcher, hung at the only spot in my room that is really open: my window.
My window partially overlooks the rest of the suburb, partially over a very active forest. We get a lot of wandering spirits throughout our home and the garden outside. Though I’ve worked often to “close” the window, it still never is really closed off.
So, I’m going to hang a dream catcher there.

See, I think dreams are just other forms of energy. Nightmares are caused by bad energy. So, if the dream catcher can filter nightmare energy, why couldn’t it filter other bad energy?

Yay for experiementation!