The Guilt Trip

This is copied pretty much word-for-word from my personal blog, so I appologise if you've seen this before, as it is posted at my personal blog and my deviantArt.

I had a party on Saturday, and a lot of people came and I had a blast.
However, I think my bf knows that he's now an ex bf.
And I feel so bad, even though I had been planning on dumping him for a while. I mean, we never really talked about it, but he just sort of knew we had fallen apart.

I don't mind, come to think of it, I feel rather free again. I was head-over-heels, but then I slowly began to "grow up" as it were. I mean, in just reading my personal blog you could never tell, but in my actual life I now know the difference from my cheesy teenage 'maturity" to actual maturity. I really think posting in this (my spritual) blog on a daily basis helped out a lot.
Believe it or not, the real keys have been in
1) fanfics. I love writing really romantic fanfics, and my romance scenes, particualrly the more sexual driven ones, we're very cheesy, not very realistic, and never exactly what I wanted. Now, I can write sex scenes and sure they aren't explicit or anything, but they are still obvious enough.
2) Song lyrics. Okay, I admit, I love the Canadian artist Peaches who is known for incredibly explicit lyrics. Now, I could always listen to her music, but I want to try to sing along? Forget it, I burst out laughing. Within the last few weeks specificially, I've been more than okay with it. My problems were mostly the songs Tent in your Pants and Stuff Me Up, but now I'm fine.

I also know when I can act silly and immature, and when I can act more serious.
I just feel closer to my age. I feel like I can set short-term goals and actually work to achieve them, instead of just "hating" goals because you don't want to do them, if that made any sense.

And yet, I still feel terrible, even though I know that I can't wait to really grow up some more. I am thrilled with the person I'm becomming. I have a job goal in mind, I've got a lot of varied hobbies that I enjoy to death, and even when I'm acting silly I know I'm acting; I know it's a temporary thing. It's the same with my dream world. It's a temporary escape from the hustle and bustle of real life. I know it's not real--even when I used to believe that it was hardcore real.

I think part of growing up is going to be learning how to overcome this guilt. Lisey suggested using some magic to help me out, and to more or less keep me on track. I'm going to contemplate this idea, to help me either motivate me, sever ties with BOTH my exes, and Anwar who I somehow bound myself to without really realizing it or figuring out how, or just in general make me feel super proud of the woman I'm becomming.

But, yeah, right now, super guilty. SUPER GUILTY!

What A Hard Drive Problem Has Taught Me

So, sorry for the delay in my post for Friday, July 24. My computer decided to get some kind of corrupted hardware issue. It’s under warranty, so we’re taking it to Staples (where we bought it) to get it looked at.
I know a lot of people think I am very, almost overly, attached to my computer. And to a degree, yeah, I am. I would say this is an addiction of sorts. I do use my computer all the time.
Being a technopagan, my computer has become an extension of my life. I mean, it is a fairly lame life, but it’s still my life. Also, as a technopagan, I see my computer as an actual ritual item. This is my Book of Shadows, so even when I’m sitting on the floor even purifying new crystals, I keep my laptop near me. I may not have MSN going (or I ignore it), but my media player will be on, and of course I’ll have my USBoS loaded and ready in case I need to check anything.
So, I guess when my computer has any sort of error, be it one that is easily fixed or one that isn’t, it’s still like a ritual tool is broken. Imagine how shitty you would feel if you found your athame to be broken.

This actually has taught me a couple of things, and being the wonderful person I am, I’m going to share them.
First off, this has taught me that important things like a USBoS needs to be backed up. I had always saved my pagan files on an external hard drive (hence USBoS), but hard drives are fallible. I have been lucky with my USBoS, but I can’t always trust luck. If I had all my formal documentation typed up, then I wouldn’t be as concerned, because I would have printed off backups. But I’m still processing raw documents, ranging from 5 documents to a folder, to over 200. Printing THAT is like hell.
I backup my files on MediaFire now. It’s much less fallible than a hard drive, and I can access it from any computer.

It’s also taught me to write shit down. I never write anything down unless I plan to use it. So, because of that, I never even just copied the URL for a site I Stumbled-Upon. I should have kept a list of sites I got information from on a scrap of paper, just handwritten. Then, I could go back at re-copy information if I had to. Sure, the sites that I have bookmarked, and of course m books make it easy to go back, but all the sites I just randomly found and never bothered to write down or save in some manner...what do I do about that?
Seriously, write shit down, even if you fully plan to just toss the list when you’re done.

It’s a rather conflicting feeling, when you lose a ritual item, and such a big part of your life. On one hand, it is just a computer, and it is an addiction. On the other hand, it is a ritual item and I do use it as such.

In case you were curious, we went to Staples, they diagnosed a hard drive problem, and since we’ve got the two year warranty plan, they fix it. Put in a new hard drive, new disk drive, and it comes back “out of the box new” in about a week.