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Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Guilt Trip

This is copied pretty much word-for-word from my personal blog, so I appologise if you've seen this before, as it is posted at my personal blog and my deviantArt.

I had a party on Saturday, and a lot of people came and I had a blast.
However, I think my bf knows that he's now an ex bf.
And I feel so bad, even though I had been planning on dumping him for a while. I mean, we never really talked about it, but he just sort of knew we had fallen apart.

I don't mind, come to think of it, I feel rather free again. I was head-over-heels, but then I slowly began to "grow up" as it were. I mean, in just reading my personal blog you could never tell, but in my actual life I now know the difference from my cheesy teenage 'maturity" to actual maturity. I really think posting in this (my spritual) blog on a daily basis helped out a lot.
Believe it or not, the real keys have been in
1) fanfics. I love writing really romantic fanfics, and my romance scenes, particualrly the more sexual driven ones, we're very cheesy, not very realistic, and never exactly what I wanted. Now, I can write sex scenes and sure they aren't explicit or anything, but they are still obvious enough.
2) Song lyrics. Okay, I admit, I love the Canadian artist Peaches who is known for incredibly explicit lyrics. Now, I could always listen to her music, but I want to try to sing along? Forget it, I burst out laughing. Within the last few weeks specificially, I've been more than okay with it. My problems were mostly the songs Tent in your Pants and Stuff Me Up, but now I'm fine.

I also know when I can act silly and immature, and when I can act more serious.
I just feel closer to my age. I feel like I can set short-term goals and actually work to achieve them, instead of just "hating" goals because you don't want to do them, if that made any sense.

And yet, I still feel terrible, even though I know that I can't wait to really grow up some more. I am thrilled with the person I'm becomming. I have a job goal in mind, I've got a lot of varied hobbies that I enjoy to death, and even when I'm acting silly I know I'm acting; I know it's a temporary thing. It's the same with my dream world. It's a temporary escape from the hustle and bustle of real life. I know it's not real--even when I used to believe that it was hardcore real.

I think part of growing up is going to be learning how to overcome this guilt. Lisey suggested using some magic to help me out, and to more or less keep me on track. I'm going to contemplate this idea, to help me either motivate me, sever ties with BOTH my exes, and Anwar who I somehow bound myself to without really realizing it or figuring out how, or just in general make me feel super proud of the woman I'm becomming.

But, yeah, right now, super guilty. SUPER GUILTY!

4 comments:

Andre said...

Of course, there is more than one kind of maturity. It's important to never lose the type of immaturity that lets you stop whatever you're doing to watch a seagull and a pigeon duke it out over a pizza crust, and possibly cheer on your favourite.

---Lea Elisabeth said...

Andre, you are pure awesome

Skye said...

I just want to let you know that I've nominated you for a Kreativ Blogger award.

Stop by my blog to pick it up.

Blessings,
Skye

---Lea Elisabeth said...

Oh wow Skye, thank you so much

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